Changes?

For my ex’s birthday this year, the first that we hadn’t been together for in 5 years, I made him a video. It was with a song that was very dear to us and photos of us over the past few years. It sounds silly now writing about it, but it meant a lot to me when I made it. I think around his birthday was one of the hardest times for me since I came home. It makes sense though, his birthday is around Valentine’s day and he was in South America on a trip that I wasn’t happy he was on. I had a fleeting moment this evening where I considered watching the video, but I know now it would hurt far too much.

I’ve finally accepted things are over. I am making steps towards moving on. But at the same time, it feels as if these steps aren’t taken of my own accord, but rather because I am being pushed. There are two things in the world I know to be true: 1) I love my ex and 2) he loves me. But somewhere in between these two things, something has gotten all messed up and it’s not going to come back together. Now I have to figure out how I can be pushed to move on and balance my feelings for my ex in the face of something new. Is it even fair to date someone new? And if it isn’t then what am I supposed to do? Sit here forever alone and wait for when my ex inevitably moves on and have it slowly drain the life out of me? 

I dreamt about him last night. I dreamed he had moved here. In my dream I was happier than I can remember being in a long time. I remember smiling in my dream and it was a smile that went all the way to my toes. I haven’t felt that since I moved back here. I know it wouldn’t work out so smoothly in real life. I know it’s never going to happen. It seems so cruel and so unfair, that I can be so sure of my love and he can not feel the same thing. But here we are. It’s time to stop wondering, and let myself be pushed, even if it feels like it’s off a cliff.

I want to be as happy as I was in my dream. The last time I talked with my ex, we both said we wanted each other to be happy. I don’t think that’s entirely true. I want me to be happy and I want him to learn to be happy with me. I don’t want him to be happy with someone else. I know I sound like I’m in 3rd grade writing this, but oh well. This is my word-vomit and I’m sticking to it! Of all the things in my life I have been jaded and cynical about, and trust me — that’s a lot of things, I would say that my outlook on love is the most jaded now. So as I start letting myself be pushed by circumstances into these tiny baby steps of moving away from the person who I’ve loved the most in the world, I need to change my attitude about love. I don’t know how, but I know I need to. I guess that is the next part of what I’ve got to figure out. I really feel like somebody should’ve told me how shit your mid-twenties can be, because I came into this entirely unprepared. I guess Love Stinks is a song for a reason.